Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I have an existential map.  It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards.  I got a full house and four people died.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates.  When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali.  He was using a dotted line.  He caught every other fish.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?"  I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?